ALTITUDE SICKNESS(ES)

We've all heard of jetlag and most of us claim to have suffered its effects. Some of us may have also endured the odd bout or two of air-sickness. But what about those other supposed-maladies that strike without warning when you are about nine-thousand metres above the nearest medical help?

Some seem to come on almost as soon as the wheels retract as we realise we’re going to be aloft for the next twelve hours. Or twenty-three. Or more.

And if it is not you who is affected, then it might be your seat-companion, or the person sitting directly behind you. First Aid is usually out of the question. The flight-staff, while recognising the conditions, are unable to help.
In fact there probably really isn't anything you can do either – except laugh.

Here then is a collection of the most common high-altitude conditions. Coming soon to a seat near you.

1. Obsessive-Compulsive Writhing. This uncomfortable affliction causes a person to spend most of the flight stretching, climbing around, twisting, and generally tying themselves in knots, trying to get into a comfy position. These may not be the world's movers and shakers, but they certainly manage to keep the other passengers entertained (red, disturbed) with their acrobatics.

2. Nocturnal Paranoia. Sufferers believe that everyone else is sleeping well and comfortably. They misinterpret the plane's normal engine noise as the contented snores and regular breathing of their companions. They are certain they are the only ones awake on the whole plane – and that goes for the captain and flight attendants too.

3. Hypoventilation. This condition causes people to crave fresh air – and lots of it – at all costs. They insist that if there is an air vent to be had, it goes on you as well as them. If they could bring a portable fan on board they would, and you spend the flight wondering if pushed far enough, they might consider banging open a window just to make themselves more comfortable.

4. Uncontrollable Jerks. No, that's not the national footie team off on a free-booze flight. This mainly affects the knees, causing the person behind you to knock the back of your seat continually. Occasionally elbows are also involved and these will always belong to the stranger beside you with whom you are attempting to share an arm-rest.

5. Withdrawal-Tremens. Usually exhibited by smokers confined to a smokefree zone (aka a plane). Symptoms include twitchiness, rudeness, abruptness to flight staff, and the need to get up and walk around all the time. There will also be a constant fumbling in shirt pockets, and sighs of frustration and constant checking of the watch with mutterings of "When will we get there?"

6. High Altitude Amnesia. This sad phenomenon causes passengers to forget where they have put things (such as their glasses, toothbrush, or reading material) and causes them to spend the entire flight hauling down items from the overhead locker and rummaging about in them, only to repeat the process (after a lengthy inspection of the seat pocket) before doing it all over again. The only advantage is that these people will never suffer from swollen ankles as they get more than their quota of exercise during a flight.

7. Aircraft Blindness. Closely related to Domestic Blindness, a ground-level gender-specific disorder. This can affect both sexes rendering them unable to see the toilet 'Occupied' sign, the attendant as they pass (which means they must make a special call for one) the sugar sachet on their meal tray, or the seatbelt sign when it comes on.

8. Super-Hydration. This one actually does refer to the football team off on the flight of a lifetime. They have heard the drink is free, and they plan to make the most of it. The flight gets longer and they get louder as the fluid level rises.

9. Wanderer's Disease. You find these poor souls pacing the aisles, clogging the exit areas, and propped near the toilets. They might tour First Class if they get a chance; once they would have sought an invitation to drop in on the flight crew as they try to make a snack for themselves. They arrive exhausted having walked the whole distance from London to LA, or wherever it is they are going.

10. Scrounge-aholism. This is a fairly passive syndrome, and you will recognise the sufferer by their bulging pockets or stuffed-to-capacity carry-on luggage. They have paid for their flight, so they are going to make sure they have some tangible reminders, souveniring everything from swizzle sticks to salt sachets, knowing full well they will never use the stuff. The more honest ones stop short at packing the inflight blanket and pillow, but will usually be unable to resist sorting through the free amenities drawer in the toilets.

Next time you fly watch out for these conditions, and pray you don’t succumb to one yourself.